I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
