Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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