I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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