If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
