then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize