I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
