just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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