I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
