Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
