I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize