At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Randomize
