Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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