Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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