the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
two words: eviction party
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
