my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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