...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
