I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
