1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
