Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
