when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
