I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
