he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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