when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
