Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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