I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
