he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
