watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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