My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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