tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
