my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
