I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
