Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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