Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
