It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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