im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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