If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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