Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
