Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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