Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
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