my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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