I met the friendliest cop last night
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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