dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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