I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
