I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I wish you could order shots online.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
