Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
