I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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