i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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