My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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