You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
