Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
