My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
