I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just had sex bonerless
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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