I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
