I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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