Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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