apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
